im not sure if i should kick out the skeletons in my closet, the ones ive purposely held
on one hand, its relieving, but it has no real purpose to me
i dont believe it would make me better either, as it only brings recollection when brought up
i am breaking character but this is a serious topic thats been on my mind since the creation of this website

but its as if it gives justification, and closure as to whats going on
what the reasoning is behind the actions i downplay myself for
even though arguably, it truly isnt my fault
i always seem to continue what people have done to me because i dont want to get hurt again
and i do want to justify why i acted in that sort of way
why i did the things i did
why i continued to harm myself because of actions in the past
i have a massive fear of being misunderstood, i truly have good intentions
but i have issues with expressing myself

one time, i was at a party
it was just an average family, filipino party
i dont remember anything other than the fact that i was a little shit
parties get really loud, i dont like excessive noise. its hard to avoid this since my mom shouts a lot
as well as everyone else there, i guess
but when we were about to leave, it became something i couldnt handle
i shouted something like, "everyone shut up" and they all did
but they looked at me weirdly, i didnt know how to tell them that just came out of me
i truly dont know how to handle expressing myself in a way where commonpeople would understand.
this is why most stories ive written using this website are hidden under metaphors and anatomical bullshit
i dont know how people take my opinions and what i truly feel. but i guess in turn, ill be viewed as an edgy teenager regardless

so, i will say it straight up
obvious, but i was sexually assaulted multiple times, both online and in real life, throughout various years
and for years both during and after these incidents, ive continued to be my own perpetrator
whats become sensation turns into a bad habit
and as a kid, because it was normalized to me, i have attempted to simulate what the men tells me
they told me to take photos of girls and i did. just not of myself
and on a digicam i found, there were inappropriate photos i have taken to satisfy them
this is my biggest regret, doing all this shit
had i not realized what i was doing was wrong, i wouldve grown up to be like them
and i think i am sick in the head sometimes
i was 9-10 years old listening to people i was supposed to trust, but i had no idea how to identify untrustworthy adults

to me this feels like admitting to a crime
it was only a few times, during a week, but i feel as though i should be executed sometimes
and the only crime i continued, that haunts me, is my tendency to masturbate
it is a serious, serious topic i dont take seriously.
this motion isnt of pleasure or to just feel something. it happens even during instances i dont want it to
i feel disgusting, thinking about my partner in this way.
in a way where id want to have sex with him, i feel unredeemable disgust towards myself
moments of intimacy are enjoyed whenever he does them, though i get nervous
nervous that if i carried on, i would push his boundaries, as my many abusers did to me
i hate it. i hate it so much.

masturbation is an action that just occurs to me without a second thought
and when that happens, there are a lot of thoughts that rush through my head, not just of lust
not of disgust either,
but it is almost like a trigger
i cry, sometimes, when i do it because it reminds me of everything
yet it feels so, so good
my heart cant take it but my brain likes it so much,
and so it keeps going

memories of, when my cousin attempted to do the same
memories of, when another relative of mine did too
memories of, when i was first taught how to do it by 'another girl' on the internet
memories of, my ex that i did it with
memories of, everything yet nothing at the same time
it feels like a cycle of torture i unwillingly put myself into, but continue to do so because its what im used to
and of course, it isnt just masturbation thats my main problem

it comes in my dreams as well, and dreams seem to have the biggest impact on me
i know they arent real, but being put in a situation where i have to relive a bad memory,
it fucks your shit up man
it makes me believe this wont stop happening to me no matter what i do
that id fall into another cycle of actively chasing elderly men for compliments and validation
with the 'small price' being pictures
i know im not the type of person to do it now, but i always doubt myself
i do very stupid things

self harm is also something i should talk about
ive done it before, whether it be cutting or drinking my memories away
i dont know how to really face this head on, these memories that keep coming back
so i resort to terrible methods of self destruction
looking at where my scars used to mark, it calls to me sometimes, for me to do it again
because i hate myself, because i deserve it, stuff like that
but i have other reasons as to why i dont end up following through with it
drinking is slightly harder to control, but again, i have my own reasons to not follow through

and the primary reason for it to even be started was the realization that i was turning into them
the sexually deprived, jobless malefailures
covid really drove this addiction tenfold
normalized with fetish content and incest alongside the instances of SA, i was the one to not mind it whenever it occured
in roleplay, or if it happened in real time
i was the one to make sex jokes and expect people to get them, i encouraged drawing rule 34
sexualized a character that was supposed to be me, so people would like her
altered her looks, her personality, for attention from an ex
and i thought it was normal to do that
so it continued, and once i realized i was turning into those pieces of shit i wanted dead,
i ended up wanting myself dead more than ever

and if you brought this up to me, honestly, id still joke about it
its happened to the point of numbness, even with myself
and it might not even be as serious as im putting it out to be. there is always worse
because of this, i always feel bad for ever thinking this deeply over situations that couldve been worse
i feel sensitive, but i mask it with insensitivity sometimes, just so i avoid people making fun of what ive gone through
it happens a lot. i dont like rape jokes, i dont like touching jokes
i dont like it when people laugh at suicide. i dont like when people laugh at pedophilia,
or claim to raise awareness of it by making jokes
but of course, opinions have no place on the internet at this day and age

my last point id like to make is my paranoia
its no secret i get paranoid a lot of the time. i get paranoid of being watched, whether it be physically or by divine figures
i was in a terrible, terrible community where stalking was normalized
to be considered a higher up there, is to know an important amount of information about a persons past life and what they had done
whether it be stuff you do for fun, stuff that was cringe, or terrible stupid decisions
or it could be accessing your parents accounts, and finding everything from your birth to present
i was fearmongered to believe an individual was stalking me in case of the instance where something specific would happen
and he would use this information to take me down
im not a fan of being watched, or even looked at
my life is not interesting. its how it made me who i am now, is whats interesting

and a few times, people physically try to find out who i am
when in honesty, i dont believe ill ever find out who i am either
i could be anyone to anybody
whether it be an unknowing sex model to a random guy,
or somebodys girlfriend. i love my boyfriend. i prefer to be the girlfriend rather than the first
but i think about it sometimes, how different i wouldve been if i never realized
im happy where i am right now. the skeletons threw me my 18th birthday party
i feel different, a nice different where i feel as though im finally where i want to be

i feel like my life is finally safe,
and that im not a danger to myself anymore

ive learned to appreciate whats going on right now, and i finally feel peace
and i can love amine without worrying